Well, they didn't have to tell me twice. I went down the road, and Madison started her new daycare on Monday! So far, so good. She went from having 10 consecutive bad days, to four darn good ones. Or maybe the new place is just afraid to tell me yet....
That's okay....I'll take it. When asked why she's made such a complete turn around, Madison will tell you it's because of the guinea pig at her new school. I think the real reason is that my mom and I have made a real effort to congratulate her for every little baby step and good effort she makes toward being good, which includes not lying and not arguing.....her 2 favorite things to do. Watch out Johnny Cochran!
It's so hard to teach my little girl not to lie and not to argue, when I see liars everywhere rise to the top, and when a little sticking up for herself might be the only thing that keeps her from trying drugs, or letting some boy push her around. In a lot of ways, I'm proud of her for trying to tell her teachers what is fair, and it opened up a girl deep inside of me that's been beat down too many times to stick her head out. All of a sudden I remember all the times I said, "It's not fair!" and I can't believe those words aren't even in my vocabulary anymore. I grew up thinking I could make things more fair for people by becoming an attorney or a social worker. Somehow I wound up a teacher....and still I thought I could stop the bullying or somehow equalize the playing field.
Wouldn't the world be a better place if we let ourselves fight for what is fair every now and then? And can't I think of a few times where, if I just could have come up with a lie, instead of being completely honest, everything would have been better?
But, I search my heart some more, and I know that I have to teach her what is right, and that I have to get her past the thinking that what is right is always fair, because I think it's taken me 33 years to figure that one out.
So as Madison and I navigate this world with our strong sense of justice, Tyler has been navigating it in his own way too.
The little boy who always got in trouble, is now the little boy who follows every rule. The pendulum has swung, and he now insists on being the best, the smartest, the winner. At everything.
Right now in my family, we have what is right is not always fair, and what is fair is not always what helps you win. And...it's getting a little hard to balance!
Tonight, I yelled at him for telling me I was wrong. Again. And it made him cry. When talking to him and rubbing his back, I think I discovered that he realizes he has been being too hard on all of us, trying to make sure all the rules are followed, and he felt a little guilty at nitpicking everything we do. He might have also realized he's being too hard on himself.
It's so hard to teach my little boy not to try to be the best and not to try to help others see what is right, when I want so much for him myself, and I don't want him to stop short of achieving absolutely every dream that he can possibly imagine. In a lot of ways, I'm proud of him for trying to keep us all on the right path and make sure we are aiming for perfection. All of a sudden, I remembered that other little part of me that used to say, "I know I can do better! I know I can make it to the top!" That part that used to want everything to be perfect. I would come home at 2 in the morning in college, and I would make sure I washed my face and FLOSSED for goodness sake. Don't most people just pass out....make up, beer breath and all? I wanted to be in control, darn it. I edited and printed and edited and printed out my papers so many times that I'm pretty sure I'm the reason that paper recycling had to be implemented on such a large scale.
I guess I still struggle with wanting everything and everyone to be perfect. I bite my tongue sometimes to not correct someone's grammar or tell him or her a better way of handling something. And when I was very young, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Trying to get all A's and trying to be the best. I grew up thinking I could change the world, inspire people, and, because of all my hard work, become some rich and well known philanthropist.
And wouldn't the world be a better place if we pushed ourselves a little harder and spoke the truth in love to help someone become a little better? And can't I think of more than a few times where, if I just would have worked a little harder, I could have achieved my dream instead of falling just short?
But, I search my heart some more, and I know that I have to teach him that hard work doesn't always get you where you need to go. Sometimes it's having money, or being a certain color, or who he may know. One day, he will find out that sometimes being the winner doesn't really make you feel as if you've won. I have to teach him the balance between working yourself so hard that you feel as if you are going off the deep end, and working hard enough to achieve your goals....but I also have to teach him that if he claws his way to the top but steps on others to get there, somehow he isn't quite being his best. After all, sometimes those who stand at the top look around.... and find that they are all alone. And while I'm teaching him how to be his best and how to follow his dreams, I'm pretty sure the little voice inside of me will be shouting, "Don't forget to be fair!!"
...or maybe it will be his little sister's voice that he hears after all.
So as Madison, Tyler, and I try to navigate justice with winning, I will teach them to put God first and to pray a lot. Because I'm 33...and I still haven't figured a lot of this out!
"...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5: 3-5
