mybabyMawMaw

The latest saga in the story of the babyfamily that I never wanted is that my babies' biological grandma wants to continue having visits with them, and this leads to further discussion of the ebb and flow of my hatred towards her as the matriarch of a completely dysfunctional family.

Now most of us have a dysfunctional family in some way, right? Most of us might even have a family member who did drugs, or does drugs, and a good many of us have probably even tried drugs. Well, maybe I'm wrong here, but it happens.

My babymama not only tried drugs, but she became addicted to them, went through a few boyfriends who sold them, and settled (for a while) on the great catch that is now and will forever be.... my babydaddy.

I know that my babydaddy has many redeeming qualities because I know that my children are born leaders. They have been dealt a difficult situation from the very beginning. But instead of becoming insecure, they became independent. Instead of getting lost in the chaos, they became cute and charismatic. Instead of creeping shyly behind the scenes, they have become leaders in their little social circles. In spite of the fact that the debate between nature and nurture lingers, I know that my babydaddy did, in fact, contribute some of his good qualties to the beauties that are my children

....just as I'm sure he contributed many positive attributes to his FIVE, yes FIVE other children. And just as I'm sure that his many redeeming qualities drew his three, yes THREE, other babymamas to him. That's 7 children by 4 different mothers, for those of you keeping count. And I am.

My children's five other brothers live with their biological mothers, which brings me back full circle to the woman that has now become the babymama that I never knew I could have and back to my discussion of the dysfunction that has now become part of my life.

What mother has her children taken away? How many family members of yours have had children ripped from their lives by the police when they come in to serve a warrant? How many of you at the age of 24 and already the mother of two children, have stolen a car, become addicted to heroin, chosen a man who already has five other children by three different women, had your own child steal formula for your other child, and failed to show up for three court dates...thus making you a wanted fugitive? How many of you have sat in front of a judge who said plainly and sternly, (I know because I was there), "If you do not shape up, you WILL lose your children!" and spent the next six months doing exactly NOTHING?!

This just doesn't happen to the people I know. In fact, this only happens to one person I know, and this person just happens to be my babymama. And now the woman who started it all, my babyMawMaw, wants to take an active part in my children's lives. Because she did so well the first time? Really?

She wants ME to allow MY children to be with her and see her and be influenced by her and learn from HER? Do you think I would say yes to that?

I did.

I did say yes. And I said yes because I'm learning that God doesn't need us to be perfect to earn His love. He doesn't need us to make all the right decisions. He doesn't even need us to believe in Him. He loves us right where we are.

It says in Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" and in Romans 5:19, "For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous."

God didn't wait until we got it right all by ourselves. He didn't wait until we repented and were baptized and started going to church every Sunday. He didn't even wait until we gave up our addictions, stopped cursing, stopped doing drugs, or stopped stealing.

So as I struggle, and as I deal with that glimmer of hate for my babygrandma that threatens to take over my heart, I know that I am "still a sinner." And if Jesus has made men righteous again through his gift of Grace, who am I to take that away?

For though I am a sinner, I am NOT a thief, and I will not, like my babymama before me, teach my children to steal anything. I especially will not teach them that it is okay for me to steal away the love of their Mawmaw.



And I refuse to teach them that it is okay for us to steal away the love that God has given to her.

"I command you to Love each other in the same way that I Love you." John 15:12